


Why is the world like this.

by Spoopy__ghost



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, First Reader insert, Hange is your sister friend, Levi Is Bad At Feelings, Levi really like you but is confused, Loki is my OC, Night Terrors, Sad, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-10-19 02:56:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10630704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoopy__ghost/pseuds/Spoopy__ghost
Summary: You are one in the survey corps and have one hell of a shitty life. Will you find comfort in a well known short Coperal ???





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First reader insert. Was going to be a one shot but i changed my mind. Hope you like it leave comments. There wil be more soon

Chapter one 

 

“TITANS” eren yelled from his perch in the trees. “I see about 3, 15 meters and 4 20 meters. Erwin what do ws do there is nowhere to run.” eren voice went from calm and collected to scared shitless in the time frame of 10 seconds. You looked at eren then erwin and finally the area around you. Your long h/c Fell over your eyes and you looked around again. 

“EREN” mikasa yelled as she chased after the boy. Eren wanted to take on the titans himself and left without permission. You snap out of your trance and follow your dear friends. 

“Mikasa stop eren he will get himself and you killed.” mikasa turned to you for a second nodded and looked back to eren. You flew faster so you can catch up.

“Goddammit eren” you yelled as the titan boy shifted. He was killing titans but once one died more appeared. ‘What is he thinking’. You speed up to be next to mikasa. 

“Y/N” you turn around to see your sister being held by a titan. She was new to the corps and this was her first mission why did she have to follow me Goddamit. “HANNA” you moved fast as fast as you could but sadly to late. The titan shoved hanna in its mouth and bit her in the lower part of her body and the top half fell to the ground her blood went all over you. You rushed over there with blood all ober you and held her lifeless body in your arms tears fell hard and fast as the life you shared with her flashed before your eyes. You screamed and slashed through the titan who took the life from your sister. Then the titan grabbed you out of the air and smashed you to the ground.

“HANNA NO FUCK...it all my fault...it's all” you woke up from the dream. ‘Hanna i'm sorry why did i tell you to stay with me no matter what why did i forget about you why’ you know it was 5 months ago but still it hurts as if it was yesterday the dreams continue every night and always seem to get worse every time it's always hanna then another person you care deeply about meeting the same fate.

“Y/n, are you okay was it the dream again” you nodded and looked at hange. The tears continued and She wrapped her arms around you and pulled you close. She rubbed her hand up and down your back and kissed the top of your head. 

“Honey it’s okay i'm here...it's okay” hange is like a sister to you. you love her. She was the reason you and Hanna joined the corps. She saved you from your abusive mother and father. You're now one of humanity's strongest right next to lance corporal levi. Who you adored and had the most respect for. He knows you exist but treats you like another trainee. He's a huge ass and a clean freak but he's nice to you when you're alone and you and well you had a small crush on the man.

“Hay y/n time for breakfast can you eat” he moved a strand of your h/c out of your bloodshot e/c eyes. 

“Yeah…” you respond 

~~~~~~~~~

“Oi shitty glasses why are you and squad leader l/n late.” levis emotionless grey eyes shoot a glare the the two of you. 

“I'm sorry shorty..” hanji started and then you interrupted. 

“Corporal it was my fault i slept in.” change stared at you worried and you shrugged it off and started to walk away. 

“L/N i did not saw you were dismissed.” his monotone voice filled the dining hall. You stop and pivot your heal and walk toward the raven haired man.

“Corporal what do you need.” you give a half ass salute and stare him in the eyes. You notice after he looks at you eyes his face softens bit soon turns back to emotion less. His eyes are amazing they hold secrets and sorrow yet there filled with anger and passion.

“Sir?” you ask 

 

~~~levi pov~~~

“ sorry lance corporal it was my fault i slept in.” y/n spoke. ‘She hesitated and looked at glasses….something is wrong and she's trying to hide it. Why is she trying to hide things from me is she scared of me...snap out of it levi she's walking away’ 

“L/n i did not say you were dismissed.” she turned around and oh if looks could kill. I mean she gave a shitty salute and normally she looks a little caring now she looks like she could kill someone. 

“What do you need corporal?.” i'm lost on her eyes i don't think i've ever stared into her eyes like this from first look they're happy and caring but if you look deeper it's filled with hate and suffering. 

“Sir” i snapped out of it feelings are bad...levi don't do this. 

~~~~normal pov~~~~

“Squad leader l/n you are sentenced to 2 weeks of clean up duty in my office.” is he serious….i have a squad to lead and were going on a mission in 4 weeks fuck. 

“Yes sir...may i go now i do have a squad to lead.” his eyes narrow and he nodded in approval. I walk away still feeling his grey eyes burning holes in my back. I walk out of the dining hall and to my office and wait for training to begin.


	2. Chapter two: your squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is going well nothing can go wrong your happy and nothing can change that. Right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short.

Chapter 2 

~~~~about one week and 6 days LATER~~~~

“Finally i'm done for the day”. you lean back and fall onto a desk chair. You tightened you pony tale and sighed.

“One more day of this hell…” you smiled until you realized you had to write a report on your squad over the past week. Standing from the chair you start to make your escape. Levi was in a meeting and you didn't want him to force you to clean it again because you sat in his desk chair. Pushing in the chair and grabbing the used cleaning supplies you slip out of his office. As you walk to your office you see one of your squad members. 

“Captain l/n” the short haired blond shouted as she ran to you. 

“Hay laya” seeing he instantly brought a smile to your face. She was basically a little sister to you. You saw hanna in her as well same personality but leya was stronger. It was hard to admit but she was a lot stronger than hanna. 

“Shouldn't you be training we have a mission in two weeks.” you ask she brushed her hand through her hair and gave a small smile. 

“Well i was going to ask you if we could train together. I really want to learn from the best.” she gave you a heartfelt smile and pushed herself on her tippy toes.

“Well how can i refuse with an offer like that.” you ruffed up her hair and smiled. “Hay kiddo i gotta drop the cleaning stuff away..i'll meet you on the practice field.” she nodded and walked away. You walk down to the closet and put everything away and walk down to the field to train. To be honest you needed this. Being in an office and cleaning the past 2 weeks 24/7 nonstop is pretty tiring. 

~~an very happy time skip :)~~

“your getting better hun.” you smile as laya pushed herself of the ground. She dusted herself off and smiled at you. 

“Thanks your really helping me sis.” she smiled and walked over to you. 

“Well i got to do some reports and boring squad leader stuff. I'm going to call it a night go get some rest kiddo.” ruffling her hair you walk away. 

“Good night captain l/n” she jumped and waved. You turn to look at her and smiled.

“Oi just call me f/n no need for the formal shit.” you wave back. You here her giggle and walk to her room. “man i love that kid.” you mumble as you kick a pebble. 

Once you walk into your office you sit down and start on you paperwork. Dipping you quill onto the fresh ink you start to wright. 

‘kai, ,loki, laya, sam, Daniela, and Myself have been a working squad.’ you lean back and start to think. An idea hits you. “We train together and keep a strong bond.” 

“Oi brat” you jump at the monotone voice behind your door and draw a line across the paper. “Fuck” 

“Oi you're just going to let your captain sit out here hurry your ass up.” levi yelled his voice was still emotionless but you felt a little anger in it. 

You sigh and walk to the door and open it to see your short captain. You roll your eyes and look him in his grey eyes.

“Sir i was busy can you make this quick?” you lean onto your door frame.

“Thats no way to talk to your commander” levi said as he raised an eyebrow. he walked passed you and went into your room. You turned and saw him sit on your desk chair. 

“What exactly did you need corporal” still leaning on the door frame but turned to face levi. He clicked his tongue and leaned into the chair. 

“I wanted to say good job cleaning my office brat.” he looked down like he was hiding his face from you. You felt your face heat up and turned your head. 

“It..it was nothing sir. I mean i did learn from the best.” you looked at levi and smiled remembering the days where he trained you and then taught you how to clean the ‘levi way’. Levi looked at you and gave a soft smile only for a second then he went back to his natural face he wears all the time. 

“So two weeks till the next expedition...you ready?” he asked as he looked up to you. 

‘hell i'm scared shitless but i be damned if i let levi see me like this.’ “what kind of question is that corporal of course i'm ready.” you moved so that you were standing in front of levi. 

“I mean it's the first time you're going back out since the hanna indecent. I mean yes of course you're strong but you lost someone dear to you...:” 

“I get it levi...shit happens but i'm not going to let emotions affect my work. Ill grieve about hanna at my own time.” you looked away and held back tears as you remembered the day she died.

“I understand captain l/n, nice to know.” he stood up and looked at you. “I must go now i'll see you later captain.” you saluted and watched his walk out of your office. Once you knew he was down the hallway you dropped to your knees and began to cry. 

~~the day before the expedition~~

“Listen up. We leave tomorrow….and i want us to train our asses off.” you heard a large sigh come from your squad. “Listen i know its a pain in the ass but i'd rather us be sad and strong the dead and forgotten” the squad let out understanding sighs.   
“Now we are going to do one on one combat once you finish with your partner you will fight me one on one” you look at loki who has been wanting to fight you since day one. Loki smiled and nodded. 

“This will be fun...NOW START.” 

Finally everyone has finished. Now it's time for you to fight loki. You stand 10 feet away from each other ready and waiting for someone to make the first move.

“Well ladies first” you smirk at loki. He scoffed and runs at you aiming for your gut. You move out of the way and loki hits a tree instead. You laugh for a second and then return to normal. 

“Damnit i'm going to hit you this time!” he yells charging at you full speed. You smirk and move past his arm grabbing it and slamming Him to the ground. 

“Oh loki you lack focus stop using emotions and fucking hit me i'm standing still after all.” you shrug your shoulders and wink at him. Loki smirks and takes a deep breath and thinks about his next move. He jogs up to you and places his hand on your shoulder and knees you in the chest. You saw it coming you just wanted to let him get a hit, as you leaned over you grabbed his knee and flipped him over you. You spin around really fast and side kicked him making him fly back and hit a tree. 

“Good fight loki. Next time i won't go easy on you.” you shoot him a smile. “now i have to prepare for tomorrow get some rest all of you...class dismissed.” while you're walking away you over hear your squad. 

“That's my big sis” cheered laya.

“No wonder she's right behind corporal.” kai smirked.

“Yeah she's bad ass.” sam agreed. 

“If only she was gay…”daniella sighed   
The squad bursted out laughing. You let out a chuckle and turned around.

“Oi” everyone stopped and looked at you.   
“Im bie” you winked at daniella and then continued to walk away. Hearing gasps and muffled laughter.

“Damn i love my squad…” you smile and walk away you're happy it's been awhile since you've been this happy. Your squad always cheers you up and makes you feel strong. You have no clue what you would do without them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made up some characters.
> 
> But ayeeee i did it chapter 2. Is this any good om thinking next chapter will be up on aboit 2 weeks. Thanks for reading  
>  Love you >////< spoopy out


	3. Chapter 3: why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well shit goes down...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So some little romance between you and loki as well as you and levi hmmmm

Chapter one 

 

“TITANS” eren yelled from his perch in the trees. “I see about 3, 15 meters and 4 20 meters. Erwin what do ws do there is nowhere to run.” eren voice went from calm and collected to scared shitless in the time frame of 10 seconds. You looked at eren then erwin and finally the area around you. Your long h/c Fell over your eyes and you looked around again. 

“EREN” mikasa yelled as she chased after the boy. Eren wanted to take on the titans himself and left without permission. You snap out of your trance and follow your dear friends. 

“Mikasa stop eren he will her himself and you killed.” mikasa turned to you for a second nodded and looked back to eren. You flew faster so you can catch up.

“Goddammit eren” you yelled as the titan boy shifted. He was killing titans but once one died more appeared. ‘What is he thinking’. You speed up to be next to mikasa. 

“Y/N” you turn around to see your sister being held by a titan. She was new to the corps and this was her first mission why did she have to follow me Goddamit. “HANNA” you moved fast as fast as you could but sadly to late. The titan shoved hanna in its mouth and bit her in the lower part of her body and the top half fell to the ground her blood went all over you. You rushed over there with blood all held her lifeless body in your arms tears fell hard and fast as the life you shared with her flashed before your eyes. You screamed and slashed through the titan who took the life from your sister. Then the titan grabbed you out of the air and smashed you to the ground.

“HANNA NO FUCK...it all my fault...it's all” you woke up from the dream. ‘Hanna i'm sorry why did i tell you to stay with me no matter what why did i forget about you why’ you know it was 5 months ago but still it hurts as if it was yesterday the dreams continue every night and always seem to get worse every time it's always hanna then another person you care deeply about.

“Y/n, are you okay was it the dream again” you nodded and looked at hange. The tears continued and She wrapped her arms around you and pulled you close. She rubbed her hand up and down your back and kissed the top of your head. 

“Honey it’s okay i'm here...it's okay” hanji is like a sister to you. you love her. She was the reason you and Hanna joined the corps. She saved you from your abusive mother and father. You're now one of humanity's strongest right next to lance corporal levi. Who you adored and had the most respect for. He knows you exist but treats you like another trainee. He's a huge ass and a clean freak but he's nice to you when you're alone and you and well you had a small crush on the man.

“Hay y/n time for breakfast can you eat” he moved a strand of your h/c out of your bloodshot e/c eyes. 

“Yeah…” you respond 

~~~~~~~~~

“Oi shitty glasses why are you and squad leader l/n late.” levis emotionless grey eyes shoot a glare the the two of you. 

“I'm sorry shorty..” hanji started and then you interrupted. 

“Corporal it was my fault i slept in.” change stared at you worried and you shrugged it off and started to walk away. 

“L/N i did not saw you were dismissed.” his monotone voice filled the dining hall. You stop and pivot your heal and walk toward the raven haired man.

“Corporal what do you need.” you give a half ass salute and stare him in the eyes. You notice after he looks at you eyes his face softens bit soon turns back to emotion less. His eyes are amazing they hold secrets and sorrow yet there filled with anger and passion.

“Sir?” you ask 

 

~~~levi pov~~~

“ sorry lance corporal it was my fault i slept in.” y/n spoke. ‘She hesitated and looked at glasses….something is wrong and she's trying to hide it. Why is she trying to hide things from me is she scared of me...snap out of it levi she's walking away’ 

“L/n i did not say you were dismissed.” she turned around and oh if looks could kill. I mean she gave a shitty salute and normally she looks a little caring now she looks like she could kill someone. 

“What do you need corporal?.” i'm lost on her eyes i don't think i've ever stared into her eyes like this from first look they're happy and caring but if you look deeper it's filled with hate and suffering. 

“Sir” i snapped out of it feelings are bad...levi don't do this. 

~~~~normal pov~~~~

“Squad leader l/n you are sentenced to 2 weeks of clean up duty in my office.” is he serious….i have a squad to lead and were going on a mission in 4 weeks fuck. 

“Yes sir...may i go now i do have a squad to lead.” his eyes narrow and he nodded in approval. I walk away still feeling his grey eyes burning holes in my back. I walk out of the dining hall and to my office and wait for training to begin. 

 

Chapter 2 

~~~~about one week and 6 days LATER~~~~

“Finally i'm done for the day”. you lean back and fall onto a desk chair. You tightened you pony tale and sighed.

“One more day of this hell…” you smiled until you realized you had to write a report on your squad over the past week. Standing from the chair you start to make your escape. Levi was in a meeting and you didn't want him to force you to clean it again because you sat in his desk chair. Pushing in the chair and grabbing the used cleaning supplies you slip out of his office. As you walk to your office you see one of your squad members. 

“Captain l/n” the short haired blond shouted as she ran to you. 

“Hay laya” seeing he instantly brought a smile to your face. She was basically a little sister to you. You saw hanna in her as well same personality but leya was stronger. It was hard to admit but she was a lot stronger than hanna. 

“Shouldn't you be training we have a mission in two weeks.” you ask she brushed her hand through her hair and gave a small smile. 

“Well i was going to ask you if we could train together. I really want to learn from the best.” she gave you a heartfelt smile and pushed herself on her tippy toes.

“Well how can i refuse with an offer like that.” you ruffed up her hair and smiled. “Hay kiddo i gotta drop the cleaning stuff away..i'll meet you on the practice field.” she nodded and walked away. You walk down to the closet and put everything away and walk down to the field to train. To be honest you needed this. Being in an office and cleaning the past 2 weeks 24/7 nonstop is pretty tiring. 

~~an very happy time skip :)~~

“your getting better hun.” you smile as laya pushed herself of the ground. She dusted herself off and smiled at you. 

“Thanks your really helping me sis.” she smiled and walked over to you. 

“Well i got to do some reports and boring squad leader stuff. I'm going to call it a night go get some rest kiddo.” ruffling her hair you walk away. 

“Good night captain l/n” she jumped and waved. You turn to look at her and smiled.

“Oi just call me f/n no need for the formal shit.” you wave back. You here her giggle and walk to her room. “man i love that kid.” you mumble as you kick a pebble. 

Once you walk into your office you sit down and start on you paperwork. Dipping you quill onto the fresh ink you start to wright. 

‘kai, ,loki, laya, sam, Daniela, and Myself have been a working squad.’ you lean back and start to think. An idea hits you. “We train together and keep a strong bond.” 

“Oi brat” you jump at the monotone voice behind your door and draw a line across the paper. “Fuck” 

“you're just going to let your captain sit out here hurry your ass up.” levi yelled his voice was still emotionless but you felt a little anger in it. 

You sigh and walk to the door and open it to see your short captain. You roll your eyes and look him in his grey eyes.

“Sir i was busy can you make this quick?” you lean onto your door frame.

“Thats no way to talk to your commander” levi said as he raised an eyebrow. he walked passed you and went into your room. You turned and saw him sit on your desk chair. 

“What exactly did you need corporal” still leaning on the door frame but turned to face levi. He clicked his tongue and leaned into the chair. 

“I wanted to say good job cleaning my office brat.” he looked down like he was hiding his face from you. You felt your face heat up and turned your head. 

“It..it was nothing sir. I mean i did learn from the best.” you looked at levi and smiled remembering the days where he trained you and then taught you how to clean the ‘levi way’. Levi looked at you and gave a soft smile only for a second then he went back to his natural face he wears all the time. 

“So two weeks till the next expedition...you ready?” he asked as he looked up to you. 

‘hell i'm scared shitless but i be damned if i let levi see me like this.’ “what kind of question is that corporal of course i'm ready.” you moved so that you were standing in front of levi. 

“I mean it's the first time you're going back out since the hanna indecent I mean yes of course you're strong but you lost someone dear to you...:” 

“I get it levi...shit happens but i'm not going to let emotions affect my work. Ill grieve about hanna at my own time.” you looked away and held back tears as you remembered the day she died.

“I understand captain l/n, nice to know.” he stood up and looked at you. “I must go now i'll see you later captain.” you saluted and watched his walk out of your office. Once you knew he was down the hallway you dropped to your knees and began to cry. 

~~the day before the expedition~~

“Listen up. We leave tomorrow….and i want us to train our asses off.” you heard a large sigh come from your squad. “Listen i know its a pain in the ass but i'd rather us be sad and strong the dead and forgotten” the squad let out understanding sighs.   
“Now we are going to do one on one combat once you finish with your partner you will fight me one on one” you look at loki who has been wanting to fight you since day one. Loki smiled and nodded. 

“This will be fun...NOW START.” 

Finally everyone has finished. Now it's time for you to fight loki. You stand 10 feet away from each other ready and waiting for someone to make the first move.

“Well ladies first” you smirk at loki. He scoffed and runs at you aiming for your gut. You move out of the way and loki hits a tree instead. You laugh for a second and then return to normal. 

“Damnit i'm going to hit you this time!” he yells charging at you full speed. You smirk and move past his arm grabbing it and slamming Him to the ground. 

“Oh loki you lack focus stop using emotions and fucking hit me i'm standing still after all.” you shrug your shoulders and wink at him. Loki smirks and takes a deep breath and thinks about his next move. He jogs up to you and places his hand on your shoulder and knees you in the chest. You saw it coming you just wanted to let him get a hit, as you leaned over you grabbed his knee and flipped him over you. You spin around really fast and side kicked him making him fly back and hit a tree. 

“Good fight loki. Next time i won't go easy on you.” you shoot him a smile. “now i have to prepare for tomorrow get some rest all of you...class dismissed.” while you're walking away you over hear your squad. 

“That's my big sis” cheered laya.

“No wonder she's right behind corporal.” kai smirked.

“Yeah she's bad ass.” sam agreed. 

“If only she was gay…”daniella sighed   
The squad bursted out laughing. You let out a chuckle and turned around.

“Oi” everyone stopped and looked at you.   
“Im bie” you winked at daniella and then continued to walk away. Hearing gasps and muffled laughter.

“Damn i love my squad…” you smile and walk away you're happy it's been awhile since you've been this happy. Your squad always cheers you up and makes you feel strong. You have no clue what you would do without them.

 

Chapter 3

After giving you final preparations to your squad about this mission you got on your horse and brushed its mane with your hands. 

“Captain f/n” you turn around to see a red headed boy. 

“ Cadet loki, do you need something.” you always loved loki he was your best squad member and stayed by your side whenever. This was his second mission under your command so you knew he was skilled. 

“I wanted to give you something” his cheeks had a light tint of pink and he scratched the side of his head. He haned you a letter and gave you soft smile. Taking the letter you returned the smile. 

“read it once we get back.” he laughed. “It'll make more sense.” you nodded and placed the letter in your pocket. You smiled at loki and then looked behind you to look at your squad. 

“Alright once levis squad leaves we follow. You got about 20 minutes to do any last preparations.

While standing next to your horse looking through the notes of expedition you hear footsteps coming from behind you. You raised your head as you felt a hand on your shoulder and a head lean next to your ear. 

“Looking through your notes” the raven haired man asked. You straightened your back and did a salute. 

“Corporal i didn't know it was you” levi smirked and kept his hand on your shoulder. He patted your back and walked to be in front of you.

“Relax.” levi’s grey eyes hit yours. You could see he was relaxed and calm. Meanwhile you are trying to hide your inner panic attack. You smiled and dropped you hand to you side. 

“You look stressed f/n is everything okay.” he aced his hand on your arm and looked concerned for you. You got confused ‘'why is he being so nice’ you ask yourself. 

“i'm alright. I'll get over it once we get moving.” you shrugged and gave levi a small smile. He glared at you and shrugged. 

“Good because i don't want you to die because you zoned out.” he rolled his eyes then looked back at you. You giggled and softly punched levis arm. 

“Don't worry corporal. I'll be fine.” you closed your e/c eyes to stop any tears from falling and smiled. Levi let a soft smile fill his lips for about a second and then returned to his normal expression.

Levi clicked his tongue and turned his head so he was looking at erwin and hange. “Oi brat we are leaving in 15 minutes. Get your squad ready and meet up in the front with hange and i.” you looked at him amazed at what levi just said. He started walking toward his squad and loomed back at you. You snap out of your daze and walked toward your squad. 

“Hay get ready we are leaving in 15 minutes and i'm going to ride with corporal levi and commander hange.” you looked over your team everyone looked confused. 

 

Once passed the wall you felt amazing.until you remembered hanna. You held back your tears and forced a small smile and looked at hange who has been watching you from the start. You looked forward and brushed your hand through your hair and took a deep breath. 

“Squad leader f\n split from the group.” you nodded at erwin’s commands. You whistle and raise a hand in the air signaling your squad to the right of the group. They follow swiftly and you take the lead as your team follows behind you. 

 

~~~~

 

Everything is going well and your happy. Tell you saw a black flair in your vision. Your heart dropped and you looked at loki. He nodded and gave you a small smile. You feel better somehow loki makes you feel better. You hope loki lives so you can tell him how you feel. You felt you face turn red and buried your head in your cape and moved faster.

“Okay we got to keep going faster...we can't run into the abnormal” you shout weakly. Everyone nodded in agreement as you speed up. 

“Captain! 2 abnormal titans and 15 meter are approaching from the left.” laya yelled, she looked at you panicked and worried. You looked at your squad and your heart skipped a beat as the ground rumbled beneath you. 

 

“Everyone move to your odmg” you stood on your horse and jumped to the trees. The air went through your hair and you felt alive tell the screams of sam and kai. You turned your head to see sam's dead body hit the ground and kai's body dangle from a tree. The titan shoved half of sam in its mouth and ran toward Daniellla. You felt tears in your eyes as she was grabbed out of the air and shoved in the titan's mouth. Laya and loki looked at you as you stopped at a tree. They stood next to you. Laya started to cry and loki comforted her looking at you for answers. You couldn't think half of your squad are dead you looked at your blades and gripped them tight. You jumped and aimed for the nape of the titans neck and went into a spin move. You got suddenly hit out of the air and smashed into the tree. You look to see the titan move to you ‘fuck’ your looked down and winced at the pain in your side. Laya screamed your name looking up you see her small body get ripped to shreds and thrown to the ground. Tears streamed down your face and you flew toward the titan holding the dead laya in its mouth. You cut through its nape and it fell to the ground with you on its back. You looked at loki who was holding back tears of his own. A abnormal titan ran towards you and loki.

“LOKI MOVE” you screamed as you ran toward loki. He put his arm out and smiled. 

“Promise to read my letter.” he smiled and turned to the titan he ran and you watched as he was swatted out of the air and then grabbed off the ground and shoved into the titan's mouth. You fell to your knees and began to cry.

“Not again…..why me” you slammed your fists to the ground. Shaking you raised your flare and shot the black signal. You looked at the titan and smiled. 

“Soon hanna.” you're cried harder and dropped your head. ‘Finally i can die with the people i love’. “KILL ME YOU FUCKING MONSTER” you shouted and closed your eyes as you head the titan get closer to you. The titan grabbed you from the ground. Groaning at the pain around your waist. “im sorry loki...danny….sam...kai…..hanna….laya….levi…i failed you….” lowering your head you sobbed harder. You squeezed your eyes and accepted your fate. Tell you felt the hard ground hit your back. The ground rumbled as the titan hit the ground. 

“What the he brat you almost got killed.” levi yelled as he picked you up from the ground. You were in shock and laid helplessly in levi's arms. Looking at levi you felt something snap inside you. 

“LEVI WHAT THE HELL” he jumped at you sudden tone. “I wanted to die...i had nothing to live for i have lost almost everyone i have cared for. LEVI i can't go through with it anymore let me die.” you yell while hitting his back. Levi wrapped his arms around your waist tightly he looked at you and sighed. 

“Goddamnit” he sighed and moved faster toward his squad. You kept pinching his back and cried harder. 

 

~~~~

 

You sat down in the nurses tent. Holding your head in your hands you sobbed. Hange ran in and embrassed you. 

“Levi told me everything he knew. Are you okay….im so sorry this happened again. And with laya and loki.” you cried harder into her arms. She rubbed your back. You looked at her and gave a weak smile. 

“ hange i think i can go out now.” she nodded and grabbed your hand. You put your uniform on and walked out the tent. Erwin looked at you and gave you a sympathetic smile. ‘'Im weak….i look pathetic. I lost my squad twice. I can't even read loki's letter ….i'm pathetic. Why did levi have to save me. I just want to die…’ you looked around and found the short raven haired man grooming your horse. He looked at you and placed his brush down. He walked toward you and placed his hand on your shoulder.

“F/n why aren't you resting?” his grey eyes filled with concerned. You nodded and shrugged. Giving him a weak smile you looked into his eyes. 

“Levi...you should of let me die..” you started to walk away until you felt levis hand grab your wrist. 

“Oi what the hell do you mean. Your one of the strongest in the survey corps.” his grip grew tighter as you bowed your head in shame. 

“Corporal levi...i have lost everything my mom... my dad...my sister...laya...loki...my squad… i only have hange and you and erwin. I cant live to see the day you all die i can’t levi I CAN'T.” you began to cri as the words hit levi. He never noticed how bad you hurt. He pulled you into a comforting hug. You placed your head on his neck and cried wrapping you arms around him tightly. He protectively wrapped his arms around you and rested his chin on the back of your shoulder. 

“I'm sorry F/n” he held you tighter and let you cry. You finally felt comfort and safe. Levi held you close and didn't want to let you go. You also didn't want to move from the protection of levi. 

“TITANS APPROACHING” erwin yelled. Levi looked at you worried and concerned. Nodding you look into his eyes.

“I'll be okay.” you look at levi who nodded and kissed your forehead and walks away. ‘'Did levi just comfort me….’ you look to the ground and let a small smile rest on your lips. You pull out loki's letter and smile kissing it. ‘ill read you later.’ you smile and jump into the wagon. 

“We must return to the wall….we sil continue this another day.” erwin shouted. Laying down on your back you look into the sky. 

“I miss you hanna, laya, loki, sam, kai, danny…..i miss you so damn much and i'm sorry.” you rubbed your e/c eyes. You looked to see levi riding next to you on his horse. 

“Why levi….why did you do it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading your amazing 
> 
> ~~~spoopy


	4. Authors note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IM ALIVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little note 
> 
> Some quick updates

Hello....its me Spoopy..well you probably know that heheheh 

Anywayyy ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿ 

Im sorry i have not had a chapter up...school is literal hell....and im suffering from some writers block...  
(ﾉಠдಠ)ﾉ︵┻━┻

Okay so im causally working on ANOTHER Reader insert (with levi lmao) im debating on posting it. Let me know either in comments or dm me on insta (account info in my bio and end notes) ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

So im going to work on this story as soon as i can. 

Thanks for reading and...yeah ill be back hopefully soon  
.〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me insta is. Levi_akerman_gives_me_life 
> 
> Love you 
> 
> ~spoopy out


	5. Why is the world like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally realise...your not alone and that the world is very fucked up and it leads you to some not fucked up things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it...its done ahhh i had fun with this my first reader insert. Hope you all liked this as much as i did reading it.

It's been 3 days

 

3 days since you lost your squad  
3 days….

 

3 days ago you lost your will to live.   
3 days ago you saw levi save you   
3 days ago….

 

Today….   
Today you finally return to train….  
Today...

 

You lay in the infirmary, staring at the white ceiling with bandages wrapped tightly around your torso. You stopped crying...actually you stopped feeling you have become completely emotionless. Hange has become very worried….very worried. You have been skipping meals and not showing emotion like you used to. 

 

“Well you're ready to go...erwin wants to meet with you.” 

 

“Thanks hange.” you look up at her with dull eyes. She looks at you with sorrow. Placing a hand on your shoulder she gives you a smile. 

 

“f/n you should visit levi...he has been worried about you.” 

 

“Why...im pathetic, this was the second time this happens hange.” you drop your head and feel you eyes sting with tears. You push them back

 

“f/n…”

 

“Hange i failed everyone...levi should of just let that titan kill me…” 

 

“He would never let that happen…” 

 

“Why..” you look up at her with your dull eyes and stand up. 

 

“I'm leaving hange.” hange pinched her nose.

 

“Good bye….f/n” 

 

While walking to erwin's office you pass multiple cadets in the 104th class. They salute and you click your tongue and keep walking. ‘You can't get attached f/n...his shit wont happen a third time…’. You knock on the wooden door and sigh. 

 

“Name and business”

 

“Squad leader f/n l/n, hange said you wanted to talk.” 

 

“Come in.” 

 

You walk in to see erwin looking at some paperwork. He look up at you and his sime went to a worried frown.

 

“f/n you look like shit…” 

 

You look him in the eyes

 

“Im well aware...now what do you need” 

 

Erwin nods and hands you multiple papers. Your eyes widen as you read the names of your squad...you look up at him and take a deep breath. 

 

“I feel like you need to tell the families” you nod and salute. ‘Guess i should leave then.’ 

 

You exit the office to bump into levi. ‘Fuck’ 

 

“Sorry corporal” you salute but keep your gaze at the floor. You turn around and begin to walk away.

 

“Squad leader l/n”   
You turn around you plain dull e/c eyes meet his worry filled grey ones. 

 

“Yes sir.?” 

 

“Can we talk?” 

 

“Sir i have to run an errand, can we talk later.” 

 

“Only if i can go with you, i know how hard it is to talk to family members.” 

 

“That's fine with me corporal.” 

 

“Levi..call me levi” 

 

“Sir i'd prefer to call you by your professional title.” 

 

Levi looked hurt at your words but shook it off. He nodded, signaling you to begin walking to the stables. 

 

“Sir may i ask you something?” 

 

“What is it?” 

 

“Why…” 

 

Levi didn't need an explanation he knew what you were asking. Levi stopped and turned to you placing both hands on you shoulders. 

 

“f/n…” 

 

“Squad leader...corporal.” you turn your head to look at a short blond approaching the two of you. You both click your tongue as levi drops his hands from your shoulder. 

 

“Oi cadet what are you doing it's lunch.” levi asked in his normal monotone voice. 

 

“I came to give this to squad leader f/n...its her new squad.” you heart sank...you shifted your self uncomfortably. 

 

“Leave it on my desk cadet…” you shift your gaze down as you felt levi look at you. 

 

“But squad…”

 

“DID I FUCKING STUTTER...i said leave it on my desk”   
The boy flinched at your tone so did levi. You turned around after hearing a soft ‘yes mam’. You began to walk and heard levis footsteps follow behind you. 

 

“f/n are you okay…?” 

 

“I'm fine levi.” levi clicked his tongue not believing you, but he didn't push you. He knew you feel pathetic and that you wish he let you die...levi couldn't explain it but he didn't care that you wanted to die...he didn't want you to die. Now he felt selfish. 

 

3 hours later

 

You are finally at loki's mom's house...this one hurt the most, he may have been new to your squad but he was a childhood friend and his parents knew you well. 

 

“I'm going to do this alone levi...just wait outside.” 

 

“Sure” 

 

You knock on the door, the short red head opens the door and pulled you into a hug. 

 

“Oh it's been forever please come in f/n” 

 

“Yes mam it has been a while” stepping inside the hous memoried filed your head. 

 

Once inside you felt pain in your chest. 

 

“So dear what brings you here...and where is loki?” you gulp and feel tears sting your eyes. You look up at the women her yes meet yours and realisation hits her. You hold out his cape and the letter you wrote. 

 

“Loki…” her voice cracked and her hand balled into fists. She grabbed the items you held and clung to them. 

 

“I'm so so sorry….it was my fault, i wasn't fast enough” you let a held back the tears and looked at the short woman with sorrow she looked at you with fury and rage. 

 

“f/n...you where suppose to protect him…..it was your job….HOW DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN YOU WEAK GOOD FOR NOTHING PIECE OF SHIT” you felt pain in your chest grow as her tone grew angrier. Your breath speed up and you looked her in the eyes once more. 

 

“Miss...i understand it was my job…” 

 

“IT SHOULD'VE BEEN YOU...HE SHOULD BE HERE RIGHT NOW NOT YOU...YOU BITCH” 

 

“I know.” you stood up and began to walk to the door, 

 

“I'm sorry…” 

 

“GET THE FUCK OUT”. 

 

You pushed the door open and ran passed levi. You felt the pain in your chest grow and the tears fill your eyes ‘don't cry...you can't it was your fault you can't cry because of something you did’ you got on your horse and began to return to base. 

 

“OI F/N” 

 

Levi speed p to ride next to you. You stayed silent and rode faster.

 

~~~~skip of time~~~~

 

Levi pov

 

Once we returned to base f/n was even quieter than normal...she didn't eat again at dinner...it's been 4 days. 

 

“Squad leader l/n...my office now” 

 

She looked up at me, with her newly adopted unemotional face...she looks different.   
Once i got to my office, i sat down and waited only about 5 seconds tell the door opened. 

 

“Sir” 

 

“f/n” 

 

“What is it you need...i was about to run a few laps…” her gaze shifted down as she rubbed her wrist. 

 

“f/n, i understand how you feel right now...you have lost so much. I personally feel like you need to just let it all out.” 

 

She clicked her tongue and shifted her weight onto her other leg. 

 

“I'm fine levi” 

 

Did she just….i can hear the pain in her voice. She rubbed her wrist again, something is up this is a new habit. I stand up and walk her into a corner, 

 

“Sir...levi” 

 

I grab her wrist. She struggles and tries to get out of my grasp...soon she gives up i'm stronger than her, she is very weak right now. I pull her sleeve up to see her s/c wrist filled with self inflicted scars. My eyes widen and mouth parts. ‘She...did this to herself...this is worse than i thought, they look fresh maybe last night...what happened at the cadets house?’

 

“f/n”  
Her eyes filled with shame and her body began to shake. 

 

“Levi...im useless, i cant keep my squad alive...it's been two three times now that i lost the people i care most about...first i left my mom and dad to be killed by thieves when i know i could have hurt them...i let my first squad die because i was slow….i was weak...i trained and got stronger...then it happened again...i was weak it was my…” she failed to hold back the tears. Looking up her e/c eyes which are now stained red looked into my grey ones. She looked like she has lost all the happiness and joy in her life. I pull her into a strong embrace. I guide her head into the crook of my neck and feel my shirt dampen. She slowly sank to the ground and i followed with ly arms softly resting on her back. 

 

“Levi i'm pathetic...joyce was right it was my fault...i promised loki i would protect him...same for hanna and laya and danny and….” her voice cracked and she broke. I have seen many soldiers break but not as bad as this. She let all the emotions out at once all the emotions she held back for a very long time. Honestly i had respect not even in this mentally broken and i have been through hell and back. 

 

“Shhh f/n, it's not your fault” i rub her back softly 

 

“How so...i could of saved them levi”

 

“I know but did you tell the titans to eat them, did you tell the thieves to rob you..”

 

“No” she mumbled

 

“Do you see my point. You are strong, you are one of the best squad leaders we have and holding back these emotions and fucking cutting yourself just makes you weak” 

 

Silence 

 

Her breathing calmed down, she pushed herself away from me and looked me in the eyes her e/c orbs have finally gained some color. I look down at her lips and see how they part. I slowly lean in closer and pull her closer to me. Her face shows a tint of red as she leans into me. I close my eyes and press my lips against hers, they are soft and warm. She hesitates for a moment and then pushes into the kiss. Her hands move from my back to me hair pulling me closer. I tighten my hold around her waist pulling her on my lap. She wrapped her legs around my waist. I pull away from the kiss to breath. She places her forehead onto mine. 

 

“Levi” 

 

“Hmm” 

 

“Thank you” 

 

“Tch” 

 

I pulled her into another kiss.

 

Your pov. 

 

Levi pulled away from the kiss. And moved his mouth down my jaw ad to my collar bone. I let out a soft moan, earning a growl from levi. He stood up with me in his arms. 

 

“Now f/n...im going to its time you learn some respect” 

 

My face heated up and i put my head into his neck.i felt softness on my back as he layed me on the bed. Levi kissed and nipped at my neck, feeling him smirk on my skin he lifted his head.

 

“I have waited so fucking long for this f/n” 

 

“Levi,”

 

“What” he asked between kisses. 

 

“I'm sorry”

 

“For what” he moved so his face was in front of mine

 

“Just, i wanted to tell you how i felt for so long but i chose to keep distant because i don't want to lose something i love again…”

 

I was silenced with levis lips pressed harshly against mine. ‘’

 

“Oi brat shut it…” i felt my ace heat up. 

 

“Levi i..” 

 

“I love you too brat, now let's remove these clothes.”   
Levi pulls at the hem of my grey shirt. I blushed and raise my arms following his command. 

 

“Good girl.” his voice slurred in a lustful way. 

“Oh why is the world like this.why is it that from all my pain...i got to be with the person i love?”

 

“I don't give a fuck, i have everything i want right here and i could care less on how i got it.”   
Levi growled out as he kissed your stomach. You close your eyes and let a smile fill you lips. 

 

 

 

Tonight you finally felt happy  
Tonight you get to be with the man you love. 

 

Tonight you can forget   
Forget all the pain,   
And all you're left with is the question… 

Why is the world like this

 

Hope you enjoyed ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Gahhh okay so hanna is not the same on as the aot hanna its juat another character i made up


End file.
